A while back, Joe and I were talking, but it wasn’t going well and we were definitely not on the same page. Finding myself frustrated, I said, “Talking to you is like talking to a chicken!” Joe looked at me quizzically, so I explained (that it was) “pointless and confusing.”

I honestly don’t have any idea where the expression came from, but it reflected how I felt in the moment and identified a truth that I intuitively knew; some conversational paths are futile.

Not a very kind moment on my part, but it led to a good giggle between us and a reset for our interaction. Since then, it has become a bit of a joke at our house and we use the reference to this day, when we aren’t communicating well or one of us is overwhelmed with hubris.

Now make no mistake; chickens are delightful and valuable creatures, but we don’t tend to spend a lot of time trying to engage them in philosophical conversation or change their minds on various beliefs.

So how do you know you are dealing with a potential chicken situation?

1. Big feelings are involved. Either party has a lot of emotion about a situation/cause/idea and the conversation feels like it could (further) escalate if continued.
2. Big opinions are involved. Either party has planted a flag on their perspective that seems intractable.
3. Big lines are being drawn. Either party is beginning to issue ultimatums, “lay down the law,” or shut down and withdraw completely.

So, what do you do if you realize you are in a chicken situation?

1. Be kind to yourself and the other person. We have all had interactions where we have been the chicken and if we are honest, likely would want someone to give us some grace.
2. Be gentle when handling big opinions. Usually, people come to their opinions through a variety of factors, many of which they’d be hard pressed to articulate if they had to. But they make sense to them and are likely to reflect something deeper about how they see themselves and the world around them. Pushing on these is like prodding someone’s chewy nougat center; it’s likely to be sticky and won’t be to everyone’s taste (I am a caramel girl, myself).
3. Be careful about drawing big lines. Don’t issue ultimatums or try to lay down the law. If you feel yourself or them shutting down, it’s good to reaffirm that you care for them, but a little pause or space might be good. You could say something like, “You and our conversations are important to me, but I feel like I/we are probably wading into territory where it might be hard to be kind. Let’s get some perspective and if this still matters later, we can pick it back up at a better time.”

My beloved Aunt Linda and I were talking earlier this week, and we agreed that since Covid, people seem really angry. While we can’t control how anyone else shows up, we can take responsibility for our own behavior. We can decide to stay calm and exhibit kindness as much as possible.

Of course, we won’t always get it right; sometimes it will seem like we are pecking at others or only interested in scratching our own bit of ground. But if we can stop flapping and squawking, maybe we can all keep our heads and get to the other side of the road, together.