Recently, Kerri and I lost a friend and former colleague. Ryan was a dear and gentle person, always kind and incredibly helpful. He was also 10 months younger than I am. Naturally, this has me thinking about the legacies we leave and the ways we impact others.
In any life or career, there is a lot of coming and going. New people come onto your team, move into your neighborhood, become part of your community. Then, sometimes, they switch to different teams, change zip codes or find themselves part of different communities. While we all know this is normal, unless it’s fairly formal (a big change like a retirement or death) we don’t tend to do much reflection on their impact. But the truth is, we are constantly forming and reforming who we are, based on the experiences we have with others.
One of the concepts we teach leaders is the idea of “emotional wake.” The easiest definition of this idea is “the feeling people have after they interact with you.” We stir up feelings in others and them, in us. Sometimes, those feelings are positive and leave you feeling “lifted.” Other times, you are left drained, face scrunched and ready for a lie down. Please don’t assume someone is all one or the other – we all have the ability to be both things, sometimes from one moment to the next.
In a 2020 article from Forbes, titled “Are You Managing Your Emotional Wake” (https://tinyurl.com/eiwake) they share how we “quickly and deeply absorb and then mirror the emotions of those around (us).” This happens often unconsciously, then can tend to have long lasting implications. While I have always thought of this phenomenon like the wake a boat leaves in the water (which is how they start the article) they also refer to this as an “aftertaste following an interaction with someone.”
In training, when we discuss Emotional Wake, I always remind the group this isn’t something “other people have.” We all have an emotional wake, and I suggest we become much more mindful of it. Now I am not saying you can’t have an “off day” or everything should be toxic positivity (Come on, now you know me better than that!) but we do need to be responsible for how we show up and impact others.
One of the easiest ways to do that is with our communication. Little things like “please” and “thank you,” making apologies when you transgress and remembering to give a warm greeting and sign off in written and verbal messages.
Another way (and admittedly a little less easy) is to be gentler in our assumptions about others. We tend to assume (and y’all know how that goes) an intention of harshness (especially with people who aren’t our favorites) and then often return that with harshness of our own. That causes us to get into a loop that makes interactions less than ideal. In my experience, when someone deals with us roughly, it’s often inadvertent or a result of stress.
Finally, we are all so obsessed with optimization that it can feel like we don’t have time for connection. I implore you to reconsider that and realize that at the end of the day, all we have is each other. All the technology in the world won’t think to bring you soup when you feel poorly or remember it’s your birthday or that you love the cheese bagel that has the cheesy “belly button” at the bottom of it.
Kerri and I have so many good memories of Ryan. Memories that are funny, silly and most of all, sweet. Memories that now hold us in good stead as we grieve his loss. While I genuinely believe every single life matters, I know each life (and emotional wake) will impact us differently. I am a better person for knowing Ryan. It is my sincere desire others will feel the same way about me… and you.