In my experience, most people have an uneasy relationship with failure. On one hand, they know that failure happens, but on the other, nobody wants to have it happen to them.

Recently, I got a new baking cookbook. Baking is currently the weakest link in my kitchen skill set, but it’s an area I want to improve, so I am digging in to do the work. The cookbook, Sift, by Nicola Lamb, is a unique one. She dives deeply into all the elements of baking, from the ingredients themselves to the science of the reactions they will experience once they are combined. So far, I am impressed with the depth of the book. But what is most interesting about it, isn’t its emphasis on technique or precision, but how she closes the book’s opening pages. She states, “But the first lesson I want to teach you is this: there will be burnt crusts, pastry stuck to pans, unset jellies and everything in between, but try not to let these knock your confidence. Failures are a crucial part of the learning journey.”

Wait, we should not only expect failure, but also welcome it? Well, of course that is right – it makes perfect sense! But, I think, if we are being quite honest, we will all say we know that, but we don’t live as if that is true.

So, what gets in our way?

1. Failure is almost always uncomfortable and most of us simply aren’t comfortable with discomfort. We like to know how to get the “A,” what the rules are, where to give the order, where to pay, how to do things “right.”
2. We tend to think that having the experience of failure makes us failures. Instead of it being simply an event, it can feel like a point of identity.
3. We assume that failure reflects on our value. If we fail at something no one will care about us. We forget we are human “beings” and not human “doings.”
4. We don’t realize how many components are necessary for success. For example, when learning a foreign language, we have to know vocabulary, grammar rules, correct pronunciation and context just to be ready to have the most basic of conversations. That’s a lot of layers!

Now that we have looked at some potential reasons we find failure so daunting, let’s consider what we can do.

1. Let yourself consider the concept of failure and some examples you have experienced. We aren’t visiting this territory to set up camp, just to remember that we have each failed and then moved forward. I would even venture to guess some of the “failures” were also some of your best lessons. Give yourself credit for having tried, because trying is a form of bravery and that is notable in its own right. Takeaway: the failures were part of the journey, not the end of it.
2. Think about how you would talk to a dear friend who refuses to try because they are concerned about failing. No doubt you would be their greatest cheerleader, encouraging them on, extolling their virtues and resilience. Takeaway: if you wouldn’t say those things to a friend, don’t say them to yourself either.
3. Remember that with persistence, patience and practice, there is a reward on the other side of the failure. You tried again and things went “better,” you kept trying and got “good,” you didn’t let up and now you are an “expert.” You didn’t walk the first time you tried, so why would you expect to have the difficult conversation be perfectly polished on your first attempt? Takeaway: it’s gotta be hard before it can be easy.
4. Embrace this truth, your mind wants to keep you safe, so it tells you that you must be bubble wrapped and can’t do hard things. Your brain will resist any attempt at new thinking in its effort to protect you. In all fairness, your mind really does believe that you can’t handle things, but it’s simply not true. You can write the performance review, you can give the presentation to the board, you can figure out cold fusion (heck, someone has to do it, why not you?) Now, of course, if there’s real danger, pay attention, but a whole lot of post vacation emails isn’t actually the same threat as a saber tooth tiger. Takeaway: your brain wants to mollycoddle you, don’t let it.
5. A belief is simply a thought you have practiced repeatedly. So, you need new thoughts. Tell yourself you are brave, you can handle it, you are moving forward and onward, anything that cuts through the old stinkin’ thinkin’. Takeaway: you can get new beliefs by practicing new thoughts.

Interestingly, a few days after I read Nicola’s words, I had a baking failure. I was making a cherry muffin with a pistachio crumble top (a recipe I had successfully made several times already) and completely forgot to add the butter. I realized the mistake before they went into the oven, but after they had already received their special topping, so I had few options. I decided to go ahead and cook the muffins and study the chapter on butter. As you would expect, they weren’t good (they were dense and heavy) but at least now I knew “why” (butter creates the lovely texture and loft we enjoy in baked goods). While I was disappointed, I knew that a muffin failure simply meant a baking failure, not a reason to question my entire identity and place in the universe. I also realized that I am still too new at baking to do it while tired.

So, I waited until the next day, pulled out fresh ingredients and tried again. This time, I was extremely careful about checking and double checking my ingredients and technique. I was sure to add the butter (because butter makes everything better). I slowed down and trusted that if I kept trying, I would eventually get there. And guess what? Everything worked just like it should, and I had delicious muffins.

Failure never tasted so sweet.